Introduction

Shame is a tough emotion to deal with. It can make you feel small, unworthy, or like you’re somehow fundamentally flawed. Unlike guilt, which is more about feeling bad for something you did, shame is about feeling bad about who you are. It can come from past mistakes, things people have said, or situations where you felt rejected or humiliated. The good news is that there are practical ways to tackle shame and start feeling better about yourself. Here are five down-to-earth psychological techniques that can help: Cognitive Restructuring, Self-Compassion, Mindfulness, Narrative Therapy, and Exposure Therapy.

1. Rethink Your Thoughts with Cognitive Restructuring

Cognitive restructuring is a fancy term from Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) that basically means changing how you think. Shame often comes from harsh, negative thoughts like “I’m a failure” or “I’m not good enough.” These thoughts feel real, but they’re usually not based on facts.

How to Do It:

• Spot the Negative Thoughts: Start by noticing when these thoughts pop up. Maybe it’s after a tough day at work, an argument, or even just a casual conversation that didn’t go well. Write down what comes to mind, like “I’m useless” or “I’ll never get it right.”
• Challenge These Thoughts: Ask yourself if there’s real evidence for these thoughts. Are you being too hard on yourself? Would you say the same thing to a friend? Often, we find that we’re making assumptions or exaggerating.
• Swap Them Out for More Balanced Thoughts: Instead of “I’m a failure,” try “I had a rough day, but I’ve handled tough stuff before, and I can handle this.” It’s about finding a more balanced way to see yourself.
• Practice Regularly: Changing your thinking takes time. Keep at it. Over time, you’ll find these more balanced thoughts come more naturally, and the shameful ones lose their grip.

This technique is backed by science and has helped many people feel less shame and more in control of their thoughts and emotions.

2. Be Kinder to Yourself with Self-Compassion

Self-compassion is about treating yourself with the same kindness you’d show a good friend. Developed by psychologist Dr. Kristin Neff, this technique can be a game-changer when dealing with shame. Shame often makes us our own worst critics, but self-compassion flips the script.

How to Practice Self-Compassion:

• Acknowledge Your Feelings: Recognize when you’re feeling shame and don’t beat yourself up for it. Instead of thinking, “I shouldn’t feel this way,” try, “I’m feeling shame, and it’s okay—it’s just part of being human.”
• Speak Kindly to Yourself: When you mess up or feel down, talk to yourself like you would to a friend. Instead of saying, “I’m such an idiot,” try saying, “I made a mistake, but I’m learning. I’m not defined by one moment.”
• Remember You’re Not Alone: Everyone has moments when they feel inadequate or ashamed. It’s a shared human experience, not something that makes you weird or different.
• Try Some Self-Compassion Exercises: Take a moment to put your hand on your heart and remind yourself, “This is a tough moment, but I’m going to be kind to myself through it.” It might sound cheesy, but it works.

Self-compassion is a proven way to combat shame and build a more positive relationship with yourself. It helps turn down the volume on that inner critic.

3. Stay Present with Mindfulness

Mindfulness is about being present in the moment and accepting it without judgment. When we’re caught in shame, we’re often stuck in the past or worried about the future. Mindfulness brings you back to now, which can help take the sting out of shame.

Ways to Practice Mindfulness:

• Focus on Your Breathing: When shameful thoughts come up, focus on your breath—breathe in slowly, breathe out slowly. If your mind wanders to negative thoughts, gently bring it back to your breath. This can help calm your mind and reduce the emotional punch of shame.
• Body Scan: Sit quietly and mentally scan your body from head to toe. Notice where you feel tension or discomfort—maybe it’s in your chest or stomach. Acknowledge these sensations without judgment and let them be.
• Label Your Feelings: When you feel shame, just name it: “This is shame I’m feeling.” It sounds simple, but it helps create a bit of distance from the emotion, so it doesn’t feel so overwhelming.
• Accept What You Feel: The goal isn’t to eliminate shame but to accept it as a natural part of life. By not fighting it, you may find it has less control over you.

Mindfulness can help break the cycle of rumination—the endless replaying of negative thoughts—that often comes with shame. It’s about grounding yourself in the here and now.

4. Rewrite Your Story with Narrative Therapy

Narrative therapy is about looking at the stories you tell yourself about your life and realizing you have the power to change them. Shame often comes from a negative story we’ve built about ourselves, like “I’m always screwing up” or “I’m not good enough.” This technique helps you see that story for what it is—just one version of events.

How to Use Narrative Therapy:

• Figure Out Your Shame Story: Think about the story you tell yourself when you feel shame. Maybe it’s “I’m always failing” or “Nobody respects me.” Write it down and think about where this story came from.
• Challenge That Story: Ask yourself, “Is this really the whole story? Are there times when I’ve done well, been kind, or showed strength?” Start to collect evidence for a more balanced story.
• Rewrite the Narrative: Start to write a new story that includes both your struggles and your strengths. It might sound like, “I’ve made mistakes, but I’ve also learned a lot and overcome tough times.”
• Externalize Shame: Instead of saying, “I am ashamed,” say, “Shame is trying to make me feel small.” It’s a way to see shame as something outside yourself, not part of who you are.

Narrative therapy can help you see your life in a new light, reducing the grip of shame and making room for a more positive self-view.

5. Face It Head-On with Exposure Therapy

Exposure therapy is about gradually facing the things that make you feel ashamed in a controlled way. The idea is that by facing these situations or memories, the shame loses its intensity over time. This technique is often used for anxiety, but it’s also effective for shame.

How to Practice Exposure Therapy:

• Identify Your Shame Triggers: What are the situations or memories that make you feel the most shame? Write them down. It could be a mistake from the past, a fear of judgment, or something else.
• Create a Step-by-Step Plan: Rank these triggers from least to most distressing. Start with the least distressing one and gradually work your way up to the tougher ones.
• Gradual Exposure: Start exposing yourself to the least distressing situation in a safe way. It could be writing about it or imagining it in detail. Stay with the feeling without trying to push it away.
• Reflect on the Experience: After each exposure, take a moment to reflect. Did the feeling of shame lessen? What did you learn about your ability to face it?

Exposure therapy helps you “desensitize” to shame triggers, making them less powerful over time. It’s about building confidence in your ability to handle shame rather than letting it control you.

Bottomline

Shame is a tough emotion, but it doesn’t have to define you or hold you back. Techniques like Cognitive Restructuring, Self-Compassion, Mindfulness, Narrative Therapy, and Exposure Therapy offer practical ways to tackle shame head-on. Each method helps you see yourself in a new, more positive light and builds the resilience needed to move forward. With patience, practice, and maybe some outside support, you can start to loosen shame’s grip and live a fuller, more self-accepting life.

Bottomline

Shifting from PTSD to PTSI represents more than just a change in terminology; it’s a new way to think about trauma and recovery. By framing these symptoms as an injury rather than a disorder, we can help reduce stigma, encourage more people to seek help, and promote more integrated, effective treatment approaches. As we continue to learn more about how trauma affects both the mind and body, our language and approaches should evolve to reflect these insights. The ultimate goal is to create a more hopeful, supportive environment for anyone who has experienced trauma, focusing on recovery and resilience rather than on being “broken” or “disordered.

Look after yourself and live with intention!