For the last 20 years, I have taught doctors and nurses advanced life support skills. This is adult teaching at its finest. Remember, all the course participants have come a long way to be in the professional situation they are in right now. In general terms, they very much know their stuff. They are often at the top of the food chain and are leaders in their own right. Yet, during these courses, we turn on the adrenaline. We put the course participants into scenarios designed to stress stress them. We simulate a real life-and-death emergency in the hospital or in pre-hospital scenarios. The scenarios typically last between five and 15 minutes, depending on the content and the take-home messages we want the participants to learn. Following the scenario, the participants are invited to comment on their performance. Then, an audience member is invited to critique the relevant team leader or course participant.

Boy, oh boy! Have I heard some critiques? In some cases, had the person critiquing used a real chainsaw to cut the performers down, it would have been kinder. Honing straight into the weak spots, they kicked the participant while he was on the ground. It turns out that both doctors and nurses can be rather vicious and brutal.

An essential part of the courses is that we show them a different way of critiquing. Firstly, we asked the initial participant what had gone well. Often, I only get blank stares in reply — their minds seem focused on every minute detail that could have gone wrong. We don’t see the 99% that has gone well. After a few prompts, the candidates can typically come up with one or two things they were happy with. After that, I passed the floor to the person who was critiquing. Again, I guided him with the question, “What do you think went well?”. Again, it is like walking through a treacle. When I opened the question up to everyone in the room, the team finally came up with some good things that happened in the scenario, thank God. Only then do I allow the candidates to focus on the negative things. But rather than asking what went wrong, I ask, “If you had to do it again, what would you do differently?”.

It is only through repetition that, slowly and surely, the culture changes within the room. Critiques become constructive and turn into positive things to look forward to. Gone is the personality- bashing, the aggression, and putting other people down to show your superiority. After two days of one scenario after the other, everyone was a team leader, everyone ran a scenario, and everyone was critiqued. It is a beautiful way to build teams and learn to work together constructively. In turn, the candidates have learned a new way to address those things that could be done differently in their lives.

Unfortunately, in today’s world, such an attitude is not always encouraged. Some workplaces can be rather toxic, with no culture of constructive feedback. Instead, cynical (and often painful) criticism is the norm. Poor leadership and vicious backstabbing are the name of the game. But what can you do? Next time you are facing a vicious broadside from someone, consider the following steps:

1. Stop and listen. In the first instance, make sure that you fully understand the criticism. It is too easy to shoot from the hip in response to something you misunderstood. Ask questions to make sure you understand and show the person critiquing you that you have listened. Unless proven otherwise, I suggest you assume that this person means well. Transpose yourself into the person giving you the feedback. What is her point of view? From which position is she coming? What is her background? Could it just be that she is right? The moment you get defensive and start making excuses, you have lost the game.
2. Listen carefully to what exactly is being criticized In the workplace, it is typically about the work, not about you as a person. Put your emotions to the side for a moment and try to see the criticism as help. Could it be that this person has never learned how to be constructive in her criticism, but still actually wants to help you to do your job better? And if this is the case, is it not better for everyone that this person speaks out, rather than talking behind your back?
3. ‘It’s human to make mistakes and some of us are more human than others.’ ( Ashleigh Brilliant). Guess what, my friend? That includes you. Could the critique be justified? Did you stuff up? Hell, I certainly do (more than I like to admit).
4. Say thank you for the feedback, even if it hurts. You are learning, and you are becoming a better human being as you progress.
5. Take extreme ownership. This concept has been popularized by Jocko Willink (Lieutenant Commander John Gretton Willink, US Navy Seal) in his book with the same title. Extreme Ownership is an extremely valuable concept. In a nutshell — there are no Excuses — don’t blame your products, your boss, your budget, the economy, competitors or your team for your success or failure. You are accountable for your success in your job, your career and your life. A true leader owns the outcome. When things go wrong, you have to take ownership.

After reading Jocko’s books Extreme Ownership: How U.S. Navy Seals Lead and Win and The Dichotomy of Leadership: Balancing the Challenges of Extreme Ownership to Lead and Win, I have become a convert.

Yes, I have tried to be a good man, and a good leader, before. But after reading and understanding the messages in these two books, my game has changed to a whole new level. And I invite you to follow me on this path. Anyone can make a mistake and run. It takes a special kind of person to make a mistake, admit to it and face the pain and trouble that comes with making amends. It’s not how we make mistakes, but how we correct them, that defines us. That’s how you earn respect.