I am a Failure!

Today, I weigh 127.5 kg and am 188 cm tall. My BMI is 36.1, which puts me into Obese Class 2. 

My immediate reaction is that of disgust. What a fat excuse of a man am I? On the wrong side of 50, out of shape, a disgrace. 

Like many others, I have succumbed to the picture-perfect display of beautiful humans that is nowadays seen as normal and desirable. I see men of my age with ripped six-packs and at the top of their game—according to their social media, at least. 

Part of me wants to hide and put the biggest pullover over my surely ugly body. I might as well stop all the attempts to become a better man. I am a catastrophic and utter failure. 

Or Am I?

At the same time, a very quiet voice in my brain asks me to reflect for a moment! 

This is the kind and nurturing voice that was lost for such a long time but which is now slowly becoming stronger. This voice reminds me that 16 months ago, I weighed 146.5 kg and have lost 19 kg so far. 

This is despite of going through immense pain and deeply traumatic challenges. 

In a soothing and understanding way, the voice reminds me that I am going through a painful divorce, and a feeling of grief and loss is a constant companion. 
It acknowledges in a whisper the torrents of fear and terror that have washed over me so many times in recent months. 
It lovingly reminds me of my soul companion Max, my Golden Retriever, who passed away last summer and left a large hole in my heart. 
It tenderly draws my attention to the loss I experienced when both of my gorgeous boys emigrated to start their legacies.
It comforts me to reflect on a relapse over Christmas 2023 from which I not only recovered but, in fact, grew in strength and determination. 

This amazing voice now refocuses my attention on all my good decisions. 
It makes me smile when the voice reminds me of the few times I drove to a cheesecake shop only to turn around and eat a healthy, protein-rich meal instead. 
It makes me grow a few inches when it congratulates me on discarding any temptations to drink or use behaviours I would regret thereafter.
Or the many times I started a workout even when I was not in the mood to train. 

The Real Me Is Not Determined By What I Say I Do, But What I do

Finally, the voice reminds me of yesterday when for the first time in my life I swam a half marathon. In swimming terms, this is 5 km. 

Why Do I Not Feel Proud?

I should be so proud of these physical, mental, and emotional signs of resilience. Yet, a lifetime of social conditioning and warped core beliefs still tries to prove to me that I am a failure and that I should crawl under a stone and hide. That I am unlovable. That there is no hope and that I should simply give up on my dreams and ambitions. Years of negative experiences have shaped my perception, and my brain just waits with a selective bias to confirm every single warped core belief. Subliminal messaging from parents and your significant others has resulted in more damage than anything you could ever do yourself. The programs run on auto-pilot if we do not stop in our daily rat race and examine the 80,000 thoughts that are running riot in our heads every single day. 

Acknowledging Your Inner Critic Does Not Mean Believing What Is Said

Even a year ago, I would have listened to these voices and would have immediately responded with guilt and shame, combined with anger as my default emotions. But since then, I have had the privilege of post-traumatic growth. 
I have learnt that my emotions are figments of my imagination. 
I have learned that some voices I hear lie to me. These voices are the chorus of my inner critic, the people-pleaser, and the hurt child who never had the chance to heal. Today, I’m grateful that I can listen to these voices and hear them for what they are. They are, at best, opinions, but they are often far from the truth. 
Today I choose to focus on the wins I have achieved. 
This is not easy. After all, I have a lifetime of experience listening to the destructive voices in my mind. 
But the beautiful voice in my head reminds me — I have proven again and again that: 

Your first workout will be bad. 
Your first podcast will be bad. 
Your first speech will be bad. 
Your first video will be bad. 
Your first ANYTHING will be bad. 
But you can’t make your hundredth without making your first. 
So put your ego aside and start. 

Have a dream. Now, take this dream and make it crystal clear. If you want to be rich , how much do you want to make a year after tax? If you want to be slim , what is your target weight? Examine each aspect of your dream and put down on paper what exactly your dream looks like. This will transform your dream into a vision. 

Now think of five small things you can do today, this week, this month to get closer to your vision. By taking daily action you will change the vision into a mission. 

It is never too late to start. Join me on this beautiful, meandering path of post-traumatic growth!