You ever notice how every so-called “health trend” is just the same old scam repackaged with a new label? First, it was cabbage soup diets, then apple cider vinegar cleanses, and now, here we are, watching people spend $15 on a bottle of glorified apple juice, convinced it will “flush out toxins.”
Meanwhile, your liver is in the background, rolling its eyes, muttering, “Oh sure, let me just take the night off and let this overpriced celery juice handle things.”
And don’t get me started on detox teas. If they actually worked the way influencers claim, we’d have hospitals stocked with chamomile instead of dialysis machines.
But hey, let’s be fair. Maybe, just maybe, these magical teas and juices do something useful. Let’s break it down.
What Exactly Are These “Toxins” Supposedly Being Flushed Out?
Here’s a fun experiment: Next time someone tells you they’re doing a detox, ask them which toxins they’re removing. Watch their face glitch like a bad WiFi connection.
The truth? Your body is already detoxing 24/7 thanks to:
✅ Your liver, which filters out alcohol, medications, and waste.
✅ Your kidneys, which filter your blood and get rid of junk through urine.
✅ Your intestines, which eliminate waste (yes, that’s a fancy way of saying poop).
If “toxins” were really building up in your system, you wouldn’t need a cleanse—you’d need a doctor.
Detox Teas: A Fancy Way to Make You Poop More
Most detox teas contain:
☕ Caffeine – Makes you feel “energized” so you think it’s working.
🚽 Laxatives (Senna, Cascara Sagrada, etc.) – Because nothing screams “health” like explosive diarrhea.
💦 Diuretics (Dandelion, Horsetail, etc.) – Just makes you pee more, tricking you into thinking you’re “flushing toxins.”
👉 Reality Check: If you feel “lighter” after a detox tea, it’s not because you removed toxins. It’s because you spent half the day on the toilet.
Juice Cleanses: Liquid Sugar Disguised as Wellness
The marketing behind juice cleanses is brilliant:
- Blend some fruit.
- Slap on a label that says “cold-pressed” and “gut-healing.”
- Charge $12 per bottle.
- Profit.
The problem? Juicing strips out fiber, leaving you with a bottle of sugar water that’s barely more nutritious than soda.
Here’s what you’re actually getting from a typical 3-day juice cleanse:
🥤 Calories: ~900–1,200 per day (aka, starvation mode).
🍬 Sugar: 150–200g per day (hello, insulin spike!).
🥦 Fiber: 0g (so much for gut health).
💪 Protein: <5g per day (your muscles are crying).
👉 Reality Check: You know what really “cleanses” your body? Fiber, water, and protein. Not three days of liquefied spinach.
But I Feel Better After a Detox! Why?
Because:
✔️ You’re losing water weight, not fat.
✔️ Your stomach feels empty, because—shock—you haven’t eaten real food.
✔️ You’re riding a blood sugar high, until the crash hits.
But the moment you start eating real food again, any “detox weight loss” disappears. Because, again—your body was never actually toxic.
What Actually Helps Your Body Detox?
Want to “support detox” without scamming yourself? Try this:
🥦 Eat fiber (because actual cleansing happens in your gut).
💧 Drink water (because hydration = real detox).
🏃♂️ Exercise (your lymphatic system loves movement).
🍳 Get enough protein (your liver needs amino acids to function).
The Bottom Line
If detox teas and juice cleanses actually worked, they’d be in hospitals, not health food stores. Your liver and kidneys are doing just fine without a $10 bottle of blended kale.
So, next time someone tries to sell you a “miracle detox,” just smile, nod, and maybe offer them a glass of actual water. 💧
Could your body need help with detox?
Very likely, in today’s chemical world. Yet, a tea or juice is not the way to go about it. That’s where your functional medicine provider comes into play.
