One Of My Biggest Failures

One of the darkest parts of my life was when my second son was born. My gorgeous wife and I had emigrated to Australia where the little munchkin took his first breath on Earth. However, what followed was not exactly the romantic and beautiful time portrayed in films. The reality was that of stress, sleep deprivation, frustration, fights, and an increasing feeling of doom descending over our marriage. I will never forget the moment when my wife was literally walking away from me in a pedestrian area. Yet another fight, yet another disappointment, yet another frustration… — and yes, often my behavior was the root cause.

That was the moment she turned and slowly walked away. Her eyes are usually a brilliant pale blue in which I lost myself in the past. But at that moment the fire had gone out. Her slow gait was evidence that something was seriously wrong. There was no anger in her that day, simply a feeling of despair and despair.

With hindsight, my wife was diagnosed with postnatal depression, although this label is still a very sore topic. She rightly points to the fact that we had been alone without any support in a foreign country, where I was working overtime without much thought of how she was coping with our little toddler and the end of her second pregnancy. Despite living healthy, she surely suffered from a huge postnatal depletion of all the beautiful vitamins, minerals and trace elements that were needed to create my son. And despite being a doctor, I had no clue about the metabolic aftermath of a pregnancy.

Neither had I developed an emotional intelligence, effective coping mechanisms or a set of skills with which I could truly look after myself, let alone my wife.

Looking back at that period in my life, I feel a great amount of guilt and shame. Normally, I can remove myself from the clutches of these two evil twins of negative emotions. But in the case of me being a supportive husband there is no way of wriggling out of my accountability. My wife expressed her darkness as anger, to which I reacted in kind. I could not see her pain, her frustration and her suffering. I was simply not there for her and I cannot undo this fact, however hard I have tried.

Background

It’s normal for mothers to experience a brief low mood shortly after the birth of a baby. People call this the ‘baby blues’. But postpartum depression (PPD, also called postnatal depression PND) is different because it lasts longer.

● Postnatal depression affects up to 15 percent of mothers after they have given birth

● Postnatal depression affects up to 9 percent of women during pregnancy.

● Depression can happen any time during pregnancy or up to a year after the baby is born

● It can also occur after a miscarriage

● Symptoms of postnatal depression usually start within a first few months of the birth

Symptoms

Postnatal depression is similar to depression that happens at any other time in your life.
The key symptom is feeling sad most of the time and losing interest in things that were once enjoyable and fun to do. In addition, symptoms might be:

● feeling worthless, hopeless, useless

● feeling so sad that eating and sleeping patterns change

● blaming yourself when things go wrong, even if it’s not your fault

● feeling anxious, panicky or overwhelmed — especially regarding your baby

● having thoughts of suicide that may include hurting your baby

● not feeling close to your baby and other family members.

What I should have said

1. This will pass!

Depression lies to us. I have written a book with that title. In this case the lie is: “The pain will last a lifetime.”
I have been in the darkness myself (such as 1/3 of the world’s population in their life-times). I know that when you are down and out, every minute feels like a lifetime.

For the majority of mums “This will pass!” is true. After a few weeks to months, the mood seems to lift. However, that is not true for everyone.

Studies in community samples suggest that 31% of mothers with PPD still met criteria for major depression at 3 to 4 months postpartum, 35% at 6 months, 28% at 9 months, 23 % at 12 months and 18% at 18 months.

Overall, these findings suggest that at any time point between 4 months and 3 years postpartum, about 30% of mothers diagnosed with PPD still meet criteria for depression. That means — seek help!!!

2. You are a good mother.

This will be hard for her to believe. But it needs to be said again and again. Because despite of what many women think, their mother instinct is working overtime and in turn young mums become superhumans, just without the cape. This can be a challenge especially for those women who, prior to their pregnancy, were uncertain and worried about how having a child would impact their autonomy and social lives.

3. You’ve got this.

The story the mind tells mothers with postpartum depression is “You can’t do this.” But the opposite is true. The waves of dark mood can be debilitating and can steal the joy of having a precious newborn. That is normal for many women. Accept these waves like waves in an ocean. You cannot do anything against the wave. But think what your body and mind have been through with pregnancy and childbirth. Be kind to yourself.

4. Love and Fear are Two Sides of the Same Coin

Many mothers with postpartum depression and anxiety experience debilitating fear and dread. Depression can be like a chameleon and symptoms are not stereotypical. Instead of low mood, the young mum can be paralysed with fear, which can trigger other emotions such as shame and guilt. Before you know it everyone else is walking on egg shells, which can further aggravate the situation. If I only could have acknowledged these facts out loud in my own past.

5. You are not alone.

15–20 % of women go through postnatal depression. That is a hell of a lot of misery out there. But these women have gone through it and are out the other end. You will be amazed how many of the people you know, had a similar experience. The only thing you need to do is to speak out, and I assure you that someone will be there for you. Why, because someone else did that for them and it is now time to pay forward.

6. I’ll be right there.

Simply be there for her. You don’t need to give advice. Encourage her to hang out, even when she tries to cancel on you. Be there to listen. Be there to help. Or just be there to watch something on television together. It will mean the world to her, even if she appears to push you away.

7. I’m right here.

If you can’t be there physically, remind her also that she’s not alone because you’re there. Damn, we are living in the global village. Make use of the social media, the phone, Skype, and so on. Once upon a time I had included an acquaintance into my morning texts when I got an inkling that something was not right. Only much later did the guy open up to me and told me how important those daily few words of encouragement were for him.

8. What can I do for you?

Moms with postpartum depression can feel helpless and hopeless. Offer to help, or even better, just do the work. The simple act of bringing some food around for mum and to look after the baby for an hour might mean so much more, than you can ever fathom.

Many years ago, I lived in West Africa. Sitting in a restaurant, I was able to observe a group of young women meeting for tea and conversation. A young mum joined the group and quickly another woman started cuddling the baby and played with it. The baby was handed from friend to friend, which gave the young mum half an hour to take a breath and look after herself. I commented on this to my colleague and she acknowledged how common this communal help is among West African women. There is maybe quite a bit that the Western World can learn.

9. What does it feel like?

Is this not such a simple question? Yet, you do not only ask your wife for facts; you actually believe her. You tell her that she matters. That you are willing to spend time with her. And therefore that you are there for her.

10. One Minute, One Hour, One Day At A Time

I was only introduced to the world of recovery a dozen years after the birth of my youngest. Since then, I have learned the power of focusing on the here and now. It is not the experience of today that drives people mad — it is the remorse for something that happened yesterday, and the dread of what tomorrow may bring. Instead, in recovery we learn to take one day at a time. And sometimes, when the going is hard, then one minute at a time is just alright.

Oh. how much would I give to be able to turn back the time and tell my wife:

“Breathe with me. You are safe.

Breathe with me. You can calm yourself.

Breathe with me. You can handle this.

These moments are tough but you are not alone”

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